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An Aliens: Colonial Marines Update from Randy Pitchford

‘Sup bitches! It’s me again, Randy god-damned Pitchford.†

Guess what, suckers! I’m out! Yep! The ol’ Randster is now out of the Aliens: Colonial Marines lawsuit!

My albatross is cool and is the color of bling, bitches!

If you’ve somehow missed my other amazing updates, let me fill in your “imbecile holes” with some quick, Pitchford-brand learnings! Back before Aliens: CM was released, the game was shown at trade shows via demos and such. Guess what? The final game was ultimately a piece of shit compared to what was shown, and both SEGA and my own glorious company, Gearbox, were sued for false advertising. Ha!

But now, the plaintiffs have completely dropped me and my homies at Gearbox from the lawsuit! I mean, SEGA published the game, after all. Gearbox only made the f-cking game! SEGA only gave us six years to finish the game. Just six years! Can you believe that sh-t? I always contended from the beginning that we needed a full decade to grind out a quality product. I mean, the longer the dev time, the better the game! That’s Gearbox’s motto! Just look at Duke Nukem!

Hey! That brings me to today’s fan mail! Let’s read this first one from Reason McLogic. Mr. McLogic says….

Sir, Aliens: Colonial Marines took over six years to develop. For comparison, you guys at Gearbox managed to release Borderlands, Borderlands 2, Borderlands the Pre-Sequel and Borderlands: the Handsome Jack Collection, all in less than a six-year span, right? It seems to me that SEGA gave you more than enough time to put together a decent game.

Be awesome like me and play Borderlands!

Well, Mr. McLogic… F-ck you! I’m drunk as f-ck and I don’t gotta take sh-t from nobody! Not the law, and especially not Reason. Besides, you forgot to mention that we published Game of the Year editions of both Borderlands and Borderlands 2 during that same time-frame, you mouth-breathing, short-bus-riding stupid head! Buy Borderlands!

Here’s another letter from someone using a pen name… I think. Maybe a company name? Who cares! Anyway, the name is “Large, Crimson, Circular-Shirt-Fastener…” Weird name, huh? Here’s what they have to say…

Mr. Pitchford,

How did you do it? How did you manage what is quite possibly the largest cash-grab swindle in modern gaming history, deliver a the video game equivalent of the Halle Berry Catwoman movie, yet not only do you escape any legal ramifications, but from a PR-standpoint, but you and your company are still considered as celebrated game developers by video game fans? Please! You have to tell us how you do it, we… we really want to know. Thanks!

Well, sir, or ma’am, or gentlemen, or whatever “Large, Crimson, Circular-Shirt-Fastener” means. It’s because I’m a champion among men, a god among lovers, a Cadillac among Kias, and a Brazil nut among cashews! Nobody else could ever hope to reach my level of brazen disdain for the video game playing public and still pay virtually no public relations penalty! Don’t forget to buy Borderlands: the Handsome Jack Collection, though, you wretched f-ck!

G-ddammit I’m so sexy!

I guess if there’s any good news for SEGA here, it’s that the lawsuit is no longer being considered as a class-action one. If it were me, I’d refund the plaintiff’s sixty bucks and call it a f-ckin’ day. That’s honestly far more than they deserve for such a frivolous lawsuit in the first place.

Can you imagine if we applied their logic to all media? We could sue over the Toys movie ads because the actual movie didn’t feature Robin Williams standing in the middle of a field, or we could sue McDonald’s for their Big Macs being served at half the size of what they are pictured in their ads, or we could even sue the Kardashians for their show being roughly six months behind their actual lives. Seriously, how are we supposed to “Keep Up” with them if we’re perpetually locked in at six months after the fact? Goddamn, I love the Kardashians. That’s what I want on my tombstone.

You know what? I’m going to start suing companies when their games are eventually better than what was previously shown at trade shows. False advertising! I wanted a clunky, glitchy turd, but they delivered a polished, well-constructed experience! What if I only bought the game because I like glitchy nightmares? I deserve money!

That’s it for today, nerds! So long SEGA, ya’ big suckers! I’m off! Buy Borderlands!

Buy Borderlands!


†Disclaimer: Randy Pitchford has never actually communicated with anyone at SEGA Nerds regarding Aliens: Colonial Marines. The depiction of him on this site is intended for comedic purposes only.

The Requiem

Having grown up with a SEGA Master System, The Requiem has been a lifelong SEGA fan. Favorite SEGA games include: Gunstar Heroes, Shinobi III, the House of the Dead: Overkill, Jet Set Radio, & Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Other game favorites include: Super Metroid (SNES), Tempest 2000 (Atari Jaguar), Mortal Kombat (Arcade) and Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery (iOS). The Requiem exists digitally as @UnboundRequiem on Twitter.

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