One on One with The Requiem: ToeJam & Earl

The Requiem’s legendary interview series has partnered with SEGA Nerds! Each month, a new guest, new insight, and new, hard-hitting journalism like only The Requiem can deliver!


The Requiem: Salutations! Welcome to this, the very first “SEGA Nerds” installment of One on One with The Requiem. I am your titular host, and with me today is Earl, one of the stars of SEGA’s ToeJam & Earl series. How are you Earl?

Earl: ‘Sup, bitch.

The Requiem: ….Oh, uh, not much.  So we’re going to talk about a lot of stuff today, including where the ToeJam & Earl series might be going next, so I think our readers here at SEGA Nerds are in for a real treat. I’m sorry to say that our original plan was to have both ToeJam AND Earl here today. It’s a real shame that ToeJam couldn’t join us as well. Do you know what his excuse is, Earl?

Earl: Fuck ToeJam! That lanky-ass piece o’ shit ain’t got dick on big Papa Earl!

The Requiem: Ha! Is he still not letting you drive the spaceship? I mean, it’s not like you can blame him, am I right?

Earl: Bitch, shut the fuck up!

The Requiem: Uh, wow… dang… Okay, well, maybe we can catch ToeJam some other time, right? Moving on… then. It, uh, looks like you’ve really let yourself go and gained quite a bit of weight since we last saw you, Earl. It’s, uh, a little disturbing. I mean, I thought you were plenty chunky before, but Jesus Christ…

Earl: Yeah, mother-fucker, I’ve been working out.

This screenshot is from the second Genesis game. Please note the panic on Funkotron. Don’t blink, or you’ll miss it.

The Requiem: Well, it looks like it’s really paying off for you. Though may I humbly suggest a bit more cardio?

Earl: Nah, bitch, nah, “you may not.” Hoity-toity talkin’ mutha fucka…

The Requiem: Well, good luck with that then. Speaking of disgusting bags of lard, you actually met the real Santa Claus in your adventures. I think what the world really wants to know is, what does he smell like? Magic and small children?

Earl: Yeah mutha fucka, you’re right, he does kinda smell like Michael Jackson.

The Requiem: I see. So, I’m going to break script here and just ask, what’s with all of anger and foul language, Earl? You always seemed like a funky yet pleasant, teddy-bear type to me.

Earl: Fuck that shit, bitch. There ain’t no “hip” in the old school hip-hop anymore. You gotta be all edgy and shit to stay relevant these days, otherwise nobody gives you any cred. You get what I’m sayin’ bitch?

The Requiem: Oh, yeah, I gotcha, bitch. So, there were some rumors that you and ToeJam were dropped from the roster of Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed to make room for the inclusion of Danica Patrick. However, the Sumo Digital guys later claimed that your absence was really due more to legal and timing issues between SEGA and your creators. Can you give us your perspective on that, bitch?

Looks like Santa’s bowl full of jelly just sprung a leak.

Earl: Danica Patrick? Fuck that bitch-ass-hoe! I’ma gonna end that bitch if I ever see her!

The Requiem: I think what you meant to say is that she is smoking hot, and that she can “Go Daddy” on us any day of the week.

Earl: The fuck you say, bitch?

The Requiem: Oh, nothing, bitch. So, on the topic of bitches and hoes, there was a third character named Latisha added to your Xbox game, ToeJam & Earl III. Have you heard from her lately? What’s the story on her?

Earl: Oh, yeah. We fucked.

The Requiem: ….That’s it?

Earl: Yep.

The Requiem: That’s the whole story?  “You fucked?”

Earl: Uh-huh.

The Requiem: Alrighty then. So, um…

Earl: (Laughing) Okay, stop.

The Requiem: What?

Earl: Stop, stop, stop. (Still Laughing) I’m just messing with you, buddy.

Of course we should have expected some romance to break out between Earl and Latisha when their loading screens were “en Français.”

The Requiem: Huh?

Earl: Yeah, man. It’s all good. I’m not really a pissed off, foul-mouthed jerk. I’ve just been messing with your head.

The Requiem: Oh! Ha! Okay! Okay, good. Wow. You really had me going, there.

Earl: I know man, you were scared.

The Requiem: Yeah, a little bit. Wait! Can we still call each other “bitch?”

Earl: Sure thing, bitch!

The Requiem: Great! Okay then, bitch, what’s the real story on Latisha, in that case?

Earl: Oh, that answer was totally true. We’ve banged each other like a thousand times. We have something like seventeen kids now.

The Requiem: Geez, seventeen? That’s quite a handful, bitch.

Earl: They don’t call me big Papa Earl for nothing, T.R.

The Requiem: T.R…  I like that. Yeah. Anyway, so what are their names?

In another, better version of reality, this is a real thing.

Earl: Oh, dang, the kids? Who can remember? John, maybe? (Laughs)

The Requiem: Yeah, kids… Who needs ‘em, right? Damn… Damn…

Earl: You good?

The Requiem: Oh, yeah, sorry. I really just can’t get over how fat you are these days, Earl. I’m sorry. That’s rude to say, I know. Oh! So, you’re from the planet Funkotron, but is there anything that you miss about Earth? Maybe the mutant monster mailboxes?

Earl: Aw, hell no! (Laughs and burps loudly) Oh, excuse me there, T.R. Hah! Too much Funkotronian soda pop on the tummy, huh?

The Requiem: Ha, yeah, sure I… uh, Earl, you have something sticking out of the corner of your mouth there.

Earl: Huh? Oh! (quickly shoves it back into his mouth) Sorry.

The Requiem: Wait, is that… was that a… shoelace?

Earl: What? Nah, nah… nah…

The Requiem: Earl… Did… Did you… eat… ToeJam?

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: ….

The Requiem: ….

Earl: …. Look, uh, T.R….

The Requiem: Don’t ever fucking call me that.

The Requiem

Having grown up with a SEGA Master System, The Requiem has been a lifelong SEGA fan. Favorite SEGA games include: Gunstar Heroes, Shinobi III, the House of the Dead: Overkill, Jet Set Radio, & Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Other game favorites include: Super Metroid (SNES), Tempest 2000 (Atari Jaguar), Mortal Kombat (Arcade) and Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery (iOS). The Requiem exists digitally as @UnboundRequiem on Twitter.

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