Greetings nerds! Welcome to a disappointing installment of One on One with me. Why disappointing? Well, my temporary affliction with homosexuality has thankfully been cured with a hefty dose of Jesus (that sounds like a real thing, right?), and I was really looking forward to interviewing the super-sexy Blaze Fielding from the Streets of Rage series to celebrate Streets of Rage being our game of the month here on SEGA Nerds.
Unfortunately, none of my contacts at SEGA could give me any lead information on where to find Ms. Fielding. Even when I followed up with questions about Blaze’s co-protagonists Axel Stone, Adam Hunter or even Roo the boxing kangaroo, the only response I received from SEGA was “We are very concerned about copyright infringement at SEGA. We are obligated to protect our intellectual properties and are exploring legal action to have Streets of Rage Remake removed from the internet.” But… I didn’t even ask about the Streets of Rage Remake…
Want to see an entire company shrug its collective, oblivious shoulders in unison? Try asking SEGA anything about Streets of Rage.
Luckily (for lack of a better word), I was able to track down another… individual… associated with the classic SEGA franchise. So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, in all his paved glory, the Streets of Rage. How are you?
SoR: Well, I’m pretty damn pissed off right now.
Requiem: Oh? Why’s that?
SoR: Well, I basically just got pissed on in your intro, there.
Requiem: Wh-What? Nah, come on! You’re just angry because that’s who you are. You are the… Streets… of Rage…
SoR: Yeah, that’s true. It sucks being me.
Requiem: I don’t really understand all the “rage,” if you ask me. What could you possibly be so angry about? The way I see it, you have the perfect vantage point for… viewing… Blaze Fielding. Isn’t that pretty awesome?
SoR: What the hell is it with gamers’ obsessions with up-skirt shots of Blaze Fielding!? Even if I did give a shit about peeking at her panties-
Requiem: Her sweet, lacy white panties…
SoR: Shut up, you chauvinist ass hole!! You’re a grown-ass man! Like I was saying, even if I cared, think about all of the other “upskirts” I am subjected to without any means to avoid them! 50-year old crack-harlots, manatees masquerading as women wearing the skirt equivalent of a kleenex, and even the occasional Scottish fat-ass donning a kilt!
Requiem: Listen to your fat-shaming! And you accuse me of male chauvinism!
SoR: At least I mentioned Scottish dudes in kilts.
Requiem: So mentioning dudes makes objectifying women okay? Awesome! So, Axel Stone… what a hunk! Why won’t he just take off his pants, already? Am I right, ladies?
SoR: What the hell are you doing?
Requiem: I’m being progressive and therefore immunizing myself from criticism, duh! So, Blaze Fielding… when was the last time you saw her? How is she?
Requiem: I’m not planning on stalking her or anything…
SoR: I didn’t say you were, you retarded F&*K!
Requiem: Cool. So we’re both on the same page with the whole “not stalking” thing. Do you know where she is now? What kind of flowers does Blaze like? Do you think she could use some flowers right now?
SoR: And you wonder why I’m so pissed off all the time! Any more mentions of Blaze Fielding and this interview is over!
Requiem: Whoa! Calm down, hothead! This line of questioning is pretty standard fare, if Howard Stern’s school of interviewing has taught me anything. So… let’s move on then… hm…. huh…
SoR: You don’t have any questions that aren’t about Blaze Fielding, do you?
Requiem: Oh, I do. I do. I’m just shuffling through my question cards… hm…
SoR: Oh, for f*&^’s sake!
Requiem: Got it! We were talking about why you are so enraged all the time?
SoR: This inane interview and the ant’s-eye view of hairy Scottish ball-sacks notwithstanding, there’s plenty. Essentially, I’m expected to remain stationary for my entire life. I get walked all over, spit on, and people are constantly tossing all kinds of trash on me-
Requiem: Holy cow! I never realized you were a Palestinian! You heard it here first, folks! A SEGA Nerds exclusive!
SoR: What in the name of Mr. X’s mustache are you talking about?
Requiem: Oh! Right. Sorry. I was just liking a video on Facebook. Let’s see, you left off at being pelted with garbage.
SoR: Ugh, yeah.
Requiem: I suppose I’d be a bit peeved if I was constantly rolling in stuff like cigarette butts, chewed-up gum, used condoms, the tears of Palestinian orphans…
SoR: That’s not even the worst of it.
Requiem: Really? What could be worse than that?
SoR: Creme Saver wrappers.
Requiem: Creme Savers? You mean those individually-wrapped, flavorful, little hard candies from the makers of Life Savers? Why so bitter about something so sweet and delicious?
SoR: Jesus, knock it off! You sound like you’re on the take from Wrigley’s!
Requiem: How dare you sir! We are a bastion of responsible and reputable journalism here at SEGA Nerds!
SoR: Whatever. Anyway, yeah, Creme Savers. Ever since those f*&king things were introduced in 1998, people just chomp them and throw the wrappers wherever they see fit. It’s the ladies, mostly. They keep a few in their purses, chomp them whenever they have a sweet tooth attack, and then fling the wrapper away over their shoulder like the affections of their last boyfriend.
Requiem: So if I’m hearing you right, then what you’re saying is that Bla- uh, any nameless lady who frequents the Streets of Rage, are fond of Creme Savers, and the key to unlocking her sweet, sweet passions is buying her a few bags?
SoR: If I had arms, I’d strangle you…
Requiem: Kinky! Who knew you were such a sexually repressed fellow! I guess it was all those years hanging out in Japan, huh?
SoR: Wow. Wow.
Requiem: Let’s talk about that. In Japan, the Streets of Rage series is known as Bare Knuckle. What’s that all about?
SoR: Yeah, of course. “Bare Knuckle” was a really popular club band in Japan back in the late 80s. They were huge in Nagoya.
Requiem: Are they in any way related to Beary the Mad Gnome?
SoR: …Excuse me?
Requiem: You know, Beary the Mad Gnome! He’s this little teddy bear guy who likes to dress up like a garden gnome. Some people think he’s kind of a dick, but he’s just adorable.
SoR: God! Dammit!
Requiem: Never mind. So, you were saying that SEGA named the Japanese version of the game after a club band from Nagoya called Bare Knuckle? Wild.
SoR: Yeah. SEGA licensed their name for the Japanese version of game and licensed my name for other territories.
Requiem: Get out! How much cash did you make on that deal?
SoR: Nothing. I only demanded that they blow up a building to promote the game. Cool right?
Requiem: You know, while they had plans to do so, they never actually did that “blowing up a building” thing…
Requiem: You okay?
SoR: Mother f&*kers…
Requiem: Yep! SEGA is some mother f&*kers, all right! While we are on the topic of dumb changes made with no logical foundation, what are your thoughts on the localization changes made to Streets of Rage 3? You know, like changing the outfit colors for Axel and uh, that other female character…
SoR: You can say her name, you turd seed. This is actually a legitimate question.
SoR: Yeah. Well, the changes were dumb. I’m sure they were concerned about all of the preteen boys initiating into puberty by pausing the game during one of Blaze’s jump kicks, but why not just change her panty color to red to match the dress? And why put Axel in Adam’s old clothes? Idiocy. Taking out the cross-dressing guy though… eh, that’s still really stupid too. The game was already going to be rated for teenage audiences.
Requiem: Have you ever played Midnight Resistance on Genesis?
SoR: No, what the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Requiem: Nothing, really. It’s just a pretty cool game. Good tunes, you know?
SoR: Are we done?!
Requiem: Hardly! So, you’re the Streets of Rage. What other streets do you hang out with? Are they as angry as you? I mean, do all streets lead to rage, or is there a Streets of Love or something?
SoR: Love is a tunnel. It’s the Tunnel of Love.
Requiem: Yeah. That’s what I like to call it, too.
SoR: That’s it! I’m done taking your shit!
Requiem: Whoa, buddy! It’s not like you’re going anywhere, right? But before I leave you, and since you’ve made it abundantly clear that you’re done taking my “shit,” I do have something special for you, Mr. of Rage! (*unzips pants*)
SoR: What the…!? Oh, hell, no!
Requiem: Oh, yeah! Take my piss, bitch! A glorious, warm golden shower courtesy of SEGA Nerds! And you thought you got pissed on in my intro!
SoR: Glug! Ack! Oh, shit! It smells like rotted, used tampons! Glug!
Requiem: Drink! Drink from the Requiem’s holy fountain and rejoice, for it is good!
Is that two defecations in the span of a single month? Yup! Thanks for coming by here at SEGA Nerds, home to all your overly-recycled joke needs! Oh, and that “Bare Knuckle” was a band in Nagoya is totally true. Look it up. Go ahead. Don’t rest until you find it! Sayonara, nerds!