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An Open Letter to Nintendo Fans

Author’s note: After being challenged over Twitter regarding my use of the word “retards” to describe Nintendo fanboys on this week’s Nerdcast, I’ve had a slight change of heart. You see, I would never refer to any disabled person as “retarded,” or any other similarly inflammatory term.

Nintendo fans… a special brand of stupid. Observe these eBay listings, where a Marth amiibo is already bid up higher than the same damn thing ending 20 minutes earlier. Oh, and over $160 for 3 amiibo. Jesus.

However, we’re not talking about mentally handicapped people here, folks. We’re talking about human beings, grown-ass adults, who spend 80 bucks on a friggin’ Marth amiibo on eBay. That’s well more than it would cost to eat for a week.

You know what? I still think “retarded” is apt here, though I wouldn’t want anyone to think that I am equating this kind of insanity with the truly, mentally handicapped.

Therefore, I will abstain from repeating the “R-word” in favor of a more agreed-upon, less offensive substitute: subhuman, stain on the Earth f&ck-faces. So just remember, whenever you read subhuman, stain-on-the-Earth f&ck-faces to describe Nintendo fans below, I’m holding back in the interest of political correctness. It feels good to be so darn progressive sometimes!

Now, on with the letter!

Hi Nintendo fans,

It’s me, The Requiem. I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, seeing as how so many of you are fat-plumber, blubber-loving fanboys, and I’m my awesome self. But let’s talk about amiibo for a minute.

As many of you are aware, your false gods at Nintendo underestimated the demand for amiibo, and many of you are upset. Many of you, the most subhuman, stain-on-the-Earth, f&ck-faced of you, that is, have seen fit to start paying equally retarded prices for the rarest of these, including up to $40 for the Wii Fit Trainer and the Villager, and even upwards to $100 for Marth. These insane purchases are being made even before Nintendo, the great communicators, have confirmed that there are actually no more of these figures coming.

An Australian buyer bragged about his recent “haul” on Twitter. Happy bidding, Nintendo fans. You asked for it.

The end result of this is that you are creating a fervor over them, even generating the ridiculous #amiibogeddon hastag online, and people who don’t even care about them are snatching them up to sell them off on eBay.

Even today, the release date of Diddy Kong, Zelda, and Little Mac, every single store is sold out. I guarantee you that many of these purchases are intended for scalping them to you later for inflated prices, because you, the idiotic Nintendo fan base, will pay it.

Stop paying dumb prices for dumb characters on eBay! You’re just hurting yourselves in the long run, and Nintendo may very well still make more. Do you really need an 80-dollar Marth? Do you want it so much that you are creating an environment where you will have to throw down 50 to 100 dollars for Mega Man, Zero Suit Samus, or Ike? Because that is the world you’re creating. Knock it off.

Happy now? Of course you are, because you’re crazy Nintendo fans, and I’ll never understand you.

F&ck off.

The Requiem 95*

On second look, I only used the “R-word” once. Huh. Well, can’t let a good insult go to waste, especially when it’s at the expense of Nintendo fanboys. So, if you pay 80 bucks for Marth, you’re a subhuman, stain-on-the-Earth f&ck-face. There. That’s better.

So what’s the SEGA angle here? Why is this posted to a SEGA fan site? Because it’s a warning for you, SEGA nerds. Sure, we may be delusional, over-nostalgic saps who are perpetually living in the past and foolishly wishing for a future that includes a Dreamcast 2, Shenmue 3 and consistently good Sonic games, but at least we’re not subhuman, stain-on-the-Earth f&ck-faces.

“Gotta go fast!”

Anyway, I imagine that many of you have wisely shied away from the world of Nintendo junkies, but if you want the Sonic amiibo, as I suspect many of you do, you will have to contend with these zealots. Be smart. Be proactive. Just pre-order the damn thing and keep far clear of their delirium. You can still pre-order the Sonic amiibo at GameStop, Best Buy and Wal-Mart (Target is apparently sold out of pre-orders even though Sonic’s release isn’t until February).

You’ve been warned, SEGA nerds. And for all of you Nintendo fans reading this… Jesus Christ, guys. Wii Fit Trainer and Marth?  What the hell is wrong with you people?

Gotta catch ’em all? Of course you do. Nintendo programmed all of you Pokébrains years ago.

*Originally read on episode 74 of the SEGA Nerds Nerdcast.

The Requiem

Having grown up with a SEGA Master System, The Requiem has been a lifelong SEGA fan. Favorite SEGA games include: Gunstar Heroes, Shinobi III, the House of the Dead: Overkill, Jet Set Radio, & Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Other game favorites include: Super Metroid (SNES), Tempest 2000 (Atari Jaguar), Mortal Kombat (Arcade) and Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery (iOS). The Requiem exists digitally as @UnboundRequiem on Twitter.

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