Hey everyone. Welcome to another installment of One on One with The Requiem. If you happened to miss our last interview with Zeus, you can check it out here.
Anyway, we have a really, really special guest lined up for you today. She’s a very dear friend of mine, and we’ve known each other for, wow, 25 years now. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to introduce to you to the Genesis Model 1, or as some of you know her, Genny.
The Requiem: So wow, how have you been? You look great.
Genny: Wow, you too. I’ve been okay. It’s been a long time, Requiem. How’s your X’Eye? Are you two still together?
The Requiem: She’s good. Yeah, we’re still together. She’s… she’s good.
Genny: That’s good. I’m… happy for you two.
The Requiem: Thanks, Genny. Now, we’re here today to celebrate the 25th anniversary of your release in the US. Let’s start at the beginning. There is still quite a bit of speculation regarding your 1989 launch, especially surrounding which games were actually available at the time. Do you remember who else was actually there at that time?
Genesis: Oh, it’s been a really long time. Altered Beast was there, of course, uh… Super Thunder Blade was definitely there, too… Oh, gosh, I just don’t recall everyone.
The Requiem: Well, more specifically then, do you remember if Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf was there?
Genesis: I don’t think so. No, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t there.
The Requiem: How about Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle?
Genesis: Oh, Alex! Maybe… maybe. I really liked Alex. How is he? I haven’t heard from him in a long time.
The Requiem: Oh, he’s doing okay. He went through a rough spot a few years ago when he was working a dead-end retail job, but he’s since launched a kart racing career, and has been moderately successful so far.
Genesis: Good! Good for him.
The Requiem: What can you tell us about your own best memories during those early days?
Genny: Oh, gosh. I really miss some of those old games, and especially the people. Some… more than others.
The Requiem: Oh?
Genny: Do you still remember when we first met?
The Requiem: Of course I do. It was at Scott Davidson’s birthday party. His mom had rented you from a local video store, along with Altered Beast and Air Diver.
Genny: Yes, Air Diver, of course. That was the first game we played together, wasn’t it?
The Requiem: Yes. Yes it was.
Genny: That was a special time.
The Requiem: Yeah, it really was. So, you still keep up with the industry, right?
Genesis: Of course.
The Requiem: I’m sure you’ve noticed that the mainstream gaming media tends to lean more heavily towards Nintendo these days when it comes to retro games. IGN just ran a story on Zelda’s 27th anniversary in the US but completely ignored your more monumental 25th, and even on August 14th, the exact date of your 25th anniversary, Destructoid ran a story about how the Virtual Boy was celebrating nineteen years since its release, again without a single mention of your silver anniversary anywhere on their site. What are your thoughts on that?
Genny: I don’t have any hard feelings. I realize that my time is past, but I also remember the ways things really were, and all of the lives I touched. That will always be enough for me. When media types discount the great games I played, or scoff at things like my advertising campaign for stuff like “Blast Processing,” I just have to shrug it off. They don’t know what they’re talking about and they simply don’t care to get things right because I don’t have a Nintendo logo pasted to my casing.
The Requiem: Can you delve into that “Blast Processing” note a bit further? What do you mean by that?
Genny: Well, as I’m sure most of your readers know, I am a faster system than the Super Nintendo. My processor runs at 768 MHz while the Super Nintendo’s only runs at 512 MHz. So that difference in clock speed was advertised as “Blast Processing,” which SEGA correctly pointed out meant that many games could run much faster and smoother on my hardware than on the Super NES. Nintendo fans back then cried foul, saying that “Blast Processing” was just a advertising buzz word, that it didn’t really mean anything, and modern game sites still persist in that echo chamber. It did mean something, though. It meant a difference of 256 MHz in speed.
The Requiem: So, what you’re saying is… they’re retards.
Genny: Wellllllll, no. Just dismissive. I mean, the Super Nintendo had what they called “Mode 7,” where the background layer was able to scale and rotate, right? I know that the system had eight modes for displaying backgrounds, numbered 0-7, so they got the name from that, but “Mode 7” doesn’t really mean anything outside of the Super NES architecture. Why didn’t they just call it “background scaling?” Because “Mode 7” is catchier; it has a better ring to it, so it’s fundamentally a better marketing “buzz word,” if you will. But, of course Nintendo never gets called out stuff like that because, well, we all know why.
The Requiem: Retards?
Genny: Ha, ha! If you insist, Requiem. Ha! You’ve always been so funny… I guess most people just think, oh what’s the way they always put it? They think I “didn’t age well.”
The Requiem: That’s ridiculous. Can you imagine trying to play any real shooters on Super NES? I’m not talking about garbage tech demos like Axelay, but I mean real, fast, intense games like M.U.S.H.A. or Truxton? The Super NES would have come to a screeching halt!
Genny: You and I know that, but… but most people just love the Super Nintendo more than me. I‘m just not what people want.
The Requiem: Oh, stop! Lots of people still love you! You’ve got great exclusive games, unique features, and let’s be honest, compared to that blocky gray turd with purple switches, you’re sexy as hell.
Genny: But not as sexy as that slut of yours, the X’Eye.
The Requiem: Whoa! That’s not fair! Just because you and I had something going for a while doesn’t mean that you can talk about my X’Eye like that. We’re supposed to be talking about your 25th anniversary, here. Let’s not make this about us.
Genny: Fine, but here I am, I’ve traveled all this way, after all this time, and you never even told me why you left.
The Requiem: Oh, my God, Genny! I can’t believe this! Are you serious? You really want to have this conversation now?!
Genny: I’ve waited for an answer for nearly twenty years, Requiem! How long do you expect me to keep waiting, exactly? Another twenty years?! All this time you’ve been with your precious X’Eye, plugging your controllers into her ports… Fingering her A, B, and C buttons…
The Requiem: Oh, for f–k’s sake! I really can’t believe this, Genny. I can’t believe you would do this. But fine. Look, I just wanted something more from my SEGA system at the time. I like having half the cables to plug into a wall when I play a SEGA CD game. I like not having to clean an expansion port-
Genny: Are you saying I was too high maintenance? Are you kidding me?
The Requiem: No! You’re one of the most well-built pieces of hardware ever made! I mean look at you! You’ve got an elegant asymmetrical design, you’re sleek, you’re… you’re smooth… You’re…
Genny: What is it?
The Requiem: I’m sorry, I was just… okay, honestly, I was staring at your… your cartridge slot.
Genny: Oh!… Oh…
The Requiem: Yeah, I’m…
Genny: Requiem, it’s okay. You can look at me… my cartridge slot and all. It’s not like it’s something you haven’t seen before. You… you can even… touch it… if you want.
The Requiem: I shouldn’t. No! I can’t! My X’Eye… she means so much to me…
Genny: It’s not every day a console turns 25, Requiem. Maybe you could, just this one last time, you know, for old time’s sake…
The Requiem: Oh, uh, maybe in that case. God, you’re so damn hot!
Genny: Ah, the feel of your fingers on my slot feel so good… Push through… please…
The Requiem: Like this?
Genny: Ah! Oh, yes, yes!
The Requiem: Oh, wow, your pins are still so tight!
Genny: I’ve ah-always saved them for only you. Oh, God… Now, touch my… my volume slider… ah! By my headphone jack…
The Requiem: Here?
Genny: Oooooooohhhh yes! Yes! Now… ah! Push it, up! Ah-all the way up!
The Requiem: Okay…
Genny: Oh, sh-t! Yes! Just like that!
The Requiem: Oh, oh wow… Your coaxial jack is so smooth! Genny, I…. I want to open your expansion port…
Genny: …Okay, but before you do… do you have a second controller?
The Requiem: You know I do.
Genny: Plug it in me.
The Requiem: You want me to fill both ports… at the same time?
Genny: I can take it.
The Requiem: Okay… Here we go…
Genny: Ohhhh myyyyyyy Goooooodddddd!! Yes, now open my expansion port and, oh, God! Put a game in my cartridge slot!
The Requiem: Yes, oh, God, yes! Which game?
Genny: Whatever you want, Requiem. You can put whatever you want in me.
The Requiem: Okay, uh, let’s do Splatterhouse 3, then. Sliding it in now… Here it comes…
Genny: Oh, oh! OH!!! Jeeeezzzzus! Yes!!
The Requiem: Oh, Genny! You feel so… right!
Genny: Oh, God, Requiem! I’m… I’m about to blast process!
The Requiem: Oh, God! Genny! You feel so goooooooooood! I just… I can’t… stop… playing…
Genny: Say it!
The Requiem: Oh, God, it’s happening! I can’t stop!
Genny: Say it!!!
The Requiem: Here it comes!
Genny: SAY IT!!!
The Requiem: GENESIS DOESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!….
Genny: …What Nintendon’t, baby.
The Requiem: Oh. Oh, man… that felt… so good.
Genny: Yeah, it did. Oh, God, so good.
The Requiem: I think we’re going to need a cleaning kit.
Genny: I think we may need two!
The Requiem: Hah! Ha, yeah, I guess I “Splatterhoused” all over you, huh?
Genny: Yeah. So… what do you think your X’Eye is going to say?
The Requiem: Huh? What do you mean?
Genny: What do you think she will say when you tell her that we’re back together again?
The Requiem: Oh, uh, yeah, about that…
Genny: You disgusting pig!