Happy holidays, SEGA nerds! Welcome to a special holiday edition of One on One with me, SEGA Nerds’ very own merry masked elf, The Requiem.
What makes it special? Oh, nothing really, except that we have an exceptionally awesome guest this month. Commemorating NiGHTS into Dreams being our Game of the Month for December, I have with me none other than the star of that game, NiGHTS itself. Thanks for being with us, NiGHTS!
NiGHTS: Wow, I’m very happy to be here! I’m a really big fan and happy holidays to you and all your readers!
The Requiem: You’re too gracious there, my friend. Far, far, too undeservedly gracious. I hate to say it though, but I expect that this is going to be a shorter interview, because there’s really only one thing that I want to know.
NiGHTS: Really? What’s that?
The Requiem: I’ll just cut right to the chase, then. What kind of plumbing to you have down in your basement?
NiGHTS: Excuse me?
The Requiem: Is there a snake hiding in your bushes?
NiGHTS: I’m not following you…
The Requiem: Oh, come on! In the original Saturn version of NiGHTS into Dreams, you can either play as Claris, a girl, or Elliot, a boy, both of whom eventually possess you like the demon from The Exorcist. What the world wants to know is, does Elliot get the chop or does Claris sprout a boomstick?
The Requiem: NiGHTS…
The Requiem: Are you a man or a woman?
The Requiem: Do you have boobs?
The Requiem: DO YOU HAVE PENIS, NiGHTS!? Geez, it’s not that tough.
NiGHTS: Well, I exist in the dreamworld of Nightopia, and in your dreams, I can be anything you want!
The Requiem: Oh, well, in that case I want you to be a totally nude Bettie Page in her prime. And… GO!
NiGHTS: It doesn’t quite work like that.
The Requiem: Well, just go ahead and pull down your pants, then. You’ve got to have something down there, one way or the other.
NiGHTS: Hah! This is silly. Are you always aware of whether you have a penis in every single one of your dreams?
The Requiem: In all of my good dreams…
NiGHTS: Touché. Let’s discuss something else, like maybe my appearance in Sonic All-Star Racing Transformed or the HD re-release of NiGHTS Into Dreams on Xbox 360 and Playstation 3?
The Requiem: Well, I’m here to get the scoop on one thing and one thing alone, NiGHTS. But fine, I’ll play along. How do you feel about, uh, NFL cheerleaders?
NiGHTS: I respect the athleticism it takes for cheerleaders to do what they do.
The Requiem: Uh-huh. And let’s say you’re at a steak house. Do you order a 20-ounce rib eye or a chicken Caesar salad?
NiGHTS: I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m actually a vegetarian.
The Requiem: $#!+!!!! Look at you! You’re androgynous as hell! What is with all of you flying, mirthful, spritely characters? It’s Peter Pan syndrome all over again! It’s creepy and it just confuses the hell out of people!
NiGHTS: Uh… huh… Elaborate. This should be interesting.
The Requiem: You know, Peter Pan! Even though he’s supposed to be a 12-year old boy who never grows up, they always cast some super-hot woman to play him. Did you see the Peter Pan Live show on NBC a few weeks ago? Allison Williams is friggin’ hot! It’s no wonder that crazy sickos all over the country are so confused over why it’s wrong to be attracted to little boys! They see her dressed as “the boy who never grew up” and it screws with their heads, dig? It’s just plain wrong!
NiGHTS: Oh mercy me.
The Requiem: So pull down your pants and let’s get this over with.
NiGHTS: No, I’d rather not.
The Requiem: I’ll give you a dollar.
The Requiem: I’ll give you two dollars.
NiGHTS: Still no.
The Requiem: Dammit! I am a crack reporter, NiGHTS! The world of SEGA fans demands the truth and I will deliver!
NiGHTS: I think I’ll just go now.
The Requiem: Wait! Wait… How about… three dollars?
The Requiem: Eh?
NiGHTS: Yeah, alright.
The Requiem: Really! Sweet! (*Hands NiGHTS 3 dollars*) It’s a SEGA Nerds exclusive, folks! NiGHTS’ gender finally revealed! Godd@mn, I am a GOD of a crack reporter!
NiGHTS: Anyway, here we go… (*Pulls down pants*)
The Requiem: …
NiGHTS: There you go.
The Requiem: It…
The Requiem: It’s…. so…. beauuuutifuuuulll….