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An Aliens: Colonial Marines Update from Randy Pitchford

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Douche.

Hi there, SEGA Nerds. It’s me again, Randy Pitchford,† head of Gearbox Software and your newest source for everything Colonial Marines here at SEGA Nerds.

Today we’re going to talk about money. SEGA’s money. You know, all of my buddies at Gearbox and I just love money, and we especially love SEGA’s money SEGA. We love SEGA almost as much as we love respecting a storied film franchise like Aliens… almost.

Anyway, on with the news. Monday, SEGA proposed to settle with a plaintiff who has alleged false advertising on SEGA’s part regarding Aliens: Colonial Marines (which was of course entrusted to my company Gearbox, who then sub-contracted the project out to some such developer… uh… oh, who can remember their name).

The settlement will total $1.25 million, with $2,500 going to the whiny baby plaintiff, $312,500 going to cover the costs for his soulless opportunistic dedicated legal team, and $200,000 will go to cover costs of “administration.” Administration? What the heck does that mean?

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Oooh, Randy sees SEGA money! Randy sees funding for another Borderlands game!

So, wow. $1.25 million of SEGA’s money. That could pay for a lot of Borderlands DLC, am I right? Pending the California court’s approval, the money not allotted to go to the plaintiff and his legal team will be put aside in a separate fund. How exactly do other affected gamers make their own claims?

SEGA will post instructions both online and in print, but be prepared to provide your name, email address, the date and location of the purchase as well as how much you paid for it. Purchases must have been made prior to February 12, 2013. Hey! That’s Abraham Lincoln’s birthday! I learned that from Bill & Ted.

SEGA admits to no wrongdoing with this action, and would be completely insulated from any future claims. However, me and my boys at Gearbox could still be found liable and would therefore be subject to litigation, but it’s not like we did anything wrong. We just stole embezzled redirected SEGA’s Colonial Marines resources to other projects.

Now before we go, I received a fan letter following my report last week that I’d like to share with you:   To Randee Pitchford, (he misspelled my name- so cute!) In the 6 years it took Gearbox to make Aliens: Colonial Marines, you guys still managed to release 2 Borderlands games. How were you able to make 2 okay games in less time than it took to make such poop like Colonial Marines? Billy, age 7 , Glendale, Missouri

Well, little Billy. Thanks for the letter, and fuck you.

Don’t forget to pre-order the new Borderlands game! Write again soon! That’s it for us today! I’ll be back with you as soon as there is more Colonial Marines news to report.

This is the really-real Randy Pitchford signing off.

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Just the thought of more SEGA money puts dirty things in Randy Pitchford’s head!
†Disclaimer: Randy Pitchford has never actually communicated with anyone at SEGA Nerds regarding Aliens: Colonial Marines. The depiction of him on this site is intended for comedic purposes only.

The Requiem

Having grown up with a SEGA Master System, The Requiem has been a lifelong SEGA fan. Favorite SEGA games include: Gunstar Heroes, Shinobi III, the House of the Dead: Overkill, Jet Set Radio, & Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Other game favorites include: Super Metroid (SNES), Tempest 2000 (Atari Jaguar), Mortal Kombat (Arcade) and Superbrothers: Sword and Sworcery (iOS). The Requiem exists digitally as @UnboundRequiem on Twitter.

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