Box Art Bash: Golden Axe
Welcome to the first edition of a new weekly feature here at Sega Nerds: The Box Art Bash, where I’ll be your tour guide as we journey through Sega’s colorful history of bad box art. Check back (hopefully) every Wednesday for a new entry into the Box Art Bash hall of shame. If you have a great suggestion for a future edition of the Box Art Bash, leave a comment or e-mail me with your idea. Are you excited? I know I am.
In honor of our recent coverage of the upcoming Golden Axe: Beast Rider and our recent Sega Game Endings feature, this week’s edition of the Box Art Bash will go back to the series’ roots as we examine the cover art of the very first Golden Axe on the black 16-bit beauty. Hit the jump to read it!
Let us begin by observing the North American box cover art of Golden Axe in all its masculine glory. The main focus of this piece is obviously the barbarian Ax Battler, which is quite the misnomer considering his weapon of choice in the actual game is a broadsword. He’s sporting a belt with a sweet buckle and not much else. The most striking part of his anatomy to me is his arms, both of which look oddly short and stumpy. He probably couldn’t even wipe his own ass without pulling a muscle in his back.
To our left we have the lovely Tyris Flare, and by “lovely” I mean “holy shit that’s a dude with breasts.” On top of looking like she goes to the same hairstylist as Amy Winehouse, she’s wearing UGG boots, proving that bad taste in fashion is a timeless quality even in fantasy worlds. Most impressively, she manages to keep a firm grip on her sword despite its complete lack of a grip. She could probably give me a great handjob.
On the right we have Gilius Thunderhead the dwarf, getting a ride on Poof the One-Legged Tongue-Kissing Homosexual Dragon. Seriously, that lizard really wants to get in Gilius’s mouth. Or maybe his beard is actually hiding delicious Twinkie snacks. Either way, Gilius manages to pull off the difficult French-kiss+bareback maneuver with ease and grace. Quite the classy fellow. At least we know who the bitch is in their relationship.
Here we have the European box cover art, since I’m an equal opportunity offender. This is actually the same artwork that graced the Japanese box cover as well, so now we’ve covered all the major regions.
Ax Battler is wielding the correct weapon in this cover, as well as looking ridiculously ripped and blonde. The open plain they’re standing in must be really cold or Ax Battler went too heavy on the steroids, because the bulge between his thighs is definitely lacking. I know this because I’m a professional appraiser of man packages, plus mine is at least TWICE that size. Flaccid. In the winter. After coming out of the pool.
Tyris Flare on the right actually looks like a woman in this picture. I’d let her break both my arms in bed, if you know what I’m saying. But what’s this?? Her hair color is also blonde, even though her hair in the game is brown! This just proves that Golden Axe is trying to push a subliminal Aryan agenda. Hitler would have loved this game.
Gilius Thunderhead on the left looks less like a dwarf and more like the mentally retarded child-molesting stalker at your local public park. Look at his dark sunken eyes. They yearn for the bare flesh of a beautiful baby. Speaking of bare flesh, Gilius really needs to lay off the tanning beds. He looks like he’s already bought his one-way ticket to Melanoma, Yuria. The dragon behind him looks pretty cool and intimidating in this art, but too bad you can’t see its eyes thanks to the stupid Mega Drive logo at the top. Way to go, whoever designed this cover. I’ll just imagine that it’s eyeing Tyris’s ass, because that’s what I’d be doing if I were in its position.
Tags: Box Art Bash, Golden AxeRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Europe, Genesis, Nathan, North America
18 opinions for Box Art Bash: Golden Axe
alimn
May 21, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Lovely article Sega Nerds,
looking forward for your next
Box Art Bash articles.
Regards, Alimn
Someguy
May 21, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Your homophobic remarks are not funny. This is my only problem with seganerds, the level of “queer” insults is quite high compared to other decent blogs.
Nathan
May 21, 2008 at 2:16 pm
In this post I managed to make jokes about myself, straight people, bodybuilders, Amy Winehouse, race, nation, Nazism, the mentally disabled, pedophiles, and cancer patients, and you take issue with the gay jokes. Come on.
SOUP
May 21, 2008 at 2:35 pm
great article. I’m looking forward to whatever comes next
Chris S
May 21, 2008 at 2:45 pm
one word: beautiful
Your joke style is amzing beyond belief.
Cant wait for the next editions :D
Chris.
Kogen
May 21, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Ax is hot, I do not care what anyone says.
Also this box art is supposed to be doing a specific style of some popular artist at the time who drew things like this. That is why it looks so “odd”. But complaining about how things looked in the 80s is rather pointless.
Anyway, do Space Harrier II next.
Nathan
May 21, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I never mentioned the ’80s you idiot!
Mark
May 21, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Well, I thought the box arts were just fine, but I guess when you put it your way they are quite hilariously poor =P Also, feel free to make fun of whoever. Seriously people are too soft. Especially much of the gay internet population. And the non-offended gays will get offended at THAT. Go figure.
George
May 21, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I don’t know how gay people are soft after seen Ax Battler in all his European box art glory. I can hardly contain myself.
Emmett The Crab
May 21, 2008 at 5:26 pm
“Blonde” is for females and “blond” is for males.
gametester
May 21, 2008 at 5:51 pm
LOL Kudos for the article. Great humor sense
Sega Uranus
May 22, 2008 at 12:04 am
Phantasy Star has to probably be the worst repeat offender when it comes to horrible boxart. Seriously wtf was the American Phantasy Star II boxart even about?
Chris
May 22, 2008 at 12:35 am
Someguy,
I can’t see how you can possibly say we’re homophobic.
We play host to one of the gayest men on the internet, and his name is Graham. This guy eats more man sausage than Richard Simmons at a Catholic summer camp.
Hudson
May 22, 2008 at 1:12 am
It’s true! Ah, it’s good to be back and insinuating things about fellow staff members’ sexual preferences.
And shut up, Kogen!
DiGi Valentine
May 22, 2008 at 1:18 am
Lol, that was a good read! XD The part about Gilius and the dragon and major lolz from me. Good writing.
I vote Alien Storm to be up next for this. Dunno why, i just remember the cover being particularly cheesy at the time. XD
landman
May 22, 2008 at 1:52 am
You can see the complete dragon in the Japanese cover, and very funny article xD
http://image.com.com/gamespot/images/bigboxshots/6/563326_2158_front.jpg
cube_b3
May 22, 2008 at 9:05 am
Do Skies Of Arcadia next, the US box art was so shit that I thought the game was a dating sim.
Fortunatly they fixed the box art for the gamecube re-release.
Storm!
Jun 7, 2008 at 7:14 am
LOL!
All packages for [GOLDEN AXE] looks horrible! The dragon on all packages has only one leg?
The european/japanese art remembers that american anime: “He-Man and She-Ra”. LOL!!!
Nice article! I vote for [PHANTASY STAR] to the next. All packages for this title looks horrible too;D
” Emmett The Crab
May 21, 2008 at 5:26 pm
“Blonde” is for females and “blond” is for males.”
Taking note!! ;D
T+
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